Newsflash: Keeping things inside and pretending things aren't pretty much shit doesn't work for the vast majority of people.

I left a relationship in 2008 because I was being lied to, ignored, used, and generally treated like shit.

A gaggle of months later, I started pathetically hoping for an imaginary relationship with someone I felt really close to to someday be real.

And then I made the mistake of taking the chance of opening myself up to another human being. Since, I've kind of come to the conclusion that pretty much any time you do this, no matter how much you tell yourself that "this time will be different because he/she is a good person and blah blah blah," you are basically begging for someone to absolutely fucking destroy you.

But I really thought that this time wouldn't be a total disaster and that there might actually be another person in the world who wants to love and be loved instead of use and be loved. And that's why I'm whining into a Blogger box instead of talking to my best friend, who is too embarrassed to admit that he supposedly loves me for even one second of his life, so can't be there for me when everything is going to hell. Never mind that I've dedicated about 3 years of my life to trying to make him happy, that I've supported him in any endeavor he's ever considered, and that I've done nothing but give him loyalty and affection, meanwhile enduring passive aggressive, insulting comments for months from someone who didn't/doesn't even know me while he stood by, not saying a word. It, of course, was never enough.

Maybe I've just somehow become a total asshole in the past handful of years, but I don't see how you're supposed to not feel jaded about love and friendship and caring and affection when every time you try to give it, you get criticism and isolation in return.

A coworker, and someone who I really had a lot in common with, who I trusted and adored and looked at as a dear friend who I hoped to grow closer with over the years to come, killed himself this weekend. He was cultured, had a loving family, a loving boyfriend, and a beautiful home with an amazing garden. He had a job and coworkers who enjoyed his company. He lied to his parents about being in college and killed himself on the day of his supposed graduation instead of coming clean. My opinion of the coworker/friend that I knew hasn't changed but it's hard not to have a lot of mixed feelings about his final decision.

Knowing that he left behind a sister has really been the icing on the emotional wreck of a cake. This is the situation I've been in for the past 8 years of my life - the sister of a deceased brother. While my situation is not exactly the same as hers, I feel a lot of sympathy and understand that, unless she has far better friends than I've ever had, it's a really lonely path she has ahead. People tend to judge you a lot for the things that your family members do. And she'll never have a way to redeem the years ahead of her that could've been filled with sibling arguments, advice-giving, and comforting each other. It's just something that can't be replaced.

Work has very much been a struggle since the incident occurred, and everyone is a little tense. It's difficult to be in an industry (customer service) where essentially there is no "behind closed doors". A tragedy has occurred in our midst and we're all in a position of grieving and attempting to understand (together and individually), while at the same time trying to put on a face of normal, everyday functionality.

This week would've been the week when, personally, I really could've benefitted from having a best friend who could take a little bit of time to at least try to listen and understand what I'm feeling, for myself, for my coworkers, and for the aforementioned sister and family.

So I guess I feel confused that instead of crying and feeling safe and trying to heal, I'm sitting in front of the computer at 2 a.m. typing out a sad story that nobody will probably ever read, childishly venting about a relationship that, for all intents and purposes, isn't even real, and that I'm being made to feel like I'm a needy bitch for asking for somebody who I've given unconditional love to for years to take one day....to change his plans or for once put me first or pretend that I'm not some horrible, embarrassing, untouchable person for a few hours...and just be there. Just once.

But I'm probably just too sensitive and selfish and nobody else in their right mind could ever possibly be hurt by this. I think, however, more than anything, I'm just worn out, sad, frustrated, and sick of being just another "take it or leave it" thing.

The World is a Sick, Sick Place.

The other day I happened to be reading the Facebook news feed, as I sometimes do when I'm trying to kill time. Up near the top, I saw a link posted that really upset me from first glance, but I thought I'd give it a chance to not be something terribly heinous. So I clicked. And I was met with the (partial) screen you see below. You can click to make it bigger.

This site is http://www.cuteteacuppuppies.com/ which is a ridiculous URL to begin with. Also ridiculous is:

a) selling dogs over the internet.

b) calling puppies a luxury item.

c) having a "BEWARE of SCAM!!" post on your site. Which you can't read unless you've logged in. So this scam must not be too important. Maybe the note actually reveals what I'm about to tell you.

But first....

Why am I upset by this, you ask? Somebody was just contemplating buying a darling little puppy. This is true. But....please, if you haven't, do click to make it bigger. Look at these dogs. Do they look normal to you? Have you ever seen a dog (outside of Paris Hilton's handbag) that looked like that? My problems with this are numerous.

First off, the term "teacup" is ridiculous. It doesn't exist. Talk to someone at the AKC or the AKA if you don't believe me. They will gladly tell you that each breed has a weight standard. What is called "teacup" does not fall within breed standard and, therefore, is not a "purebred" dog. Now, don't get me wrong...mutts deserve love too! But...

If you go to a pound and adopt a mutt, you aren't paying $3000-5000. For these tiny little dogs, which are specifically bred to be this tiny, you will pay that much. Most people in this situation assume they are just getting a really cute, tiny, purebred dog that they can dress up and carry around.

I am not criticizing small dogs. I have one. She is a registered Yorkshire Terrier, and I love her very much. I have no idea what I'd do without her. She, however, is a healthy, full-grown, 7-pound dog.

So, what's the harm? Somebody just prefers to be shallow and have a tiny little dog they can treat like a doll. Hell, that's not even my main problem. Yes, I find it wrong...but, not the main issue.

The main issue is that these "teacup" dogs are NOT healthy. You may, as a fluke, receive a dog that will live a normal life. But that is not the typical case. Small dogs that are bred normally, from average-sized adult dogs, still are far more susceptible to health problems than large dogs. Many struggle with hypoglycemia, many suffer collapsed tracheas and have to undergo extensive surgery to repair the issues, and, as they get older, many small dogs suffer hip problems from jumping and climbing stairs. With a "teacup" dog, you can add to this list of problems potential liver or kidney failure (if these organs fully develop at all) and musculoskeletal problems which may begin as soon as the dog is able to stand on its own. Of course, bad things can happy to any dog or human. But the rates are much higher in these pocket pooches than in other dogs. If you want to read more about these problems, there are some basic points stated here.

Some dogs are naturally born very tiny. The breeder from whom I bought my yorkie had a small little boy pup named Joshua that weighed only 2 pounds. But, the difference is that she wasn't trying to rip people off with him. She loved her dogs and understood the inherent health problems that could occur with Joshua. Dogs born too small or unhealthy, she kept in her home and raised herself. My mom also has a very small yorkie (that started at 4 pounds) - but that dog was the victim of an abusive home where she was underfed.

So I guess my point is that I find it very sick that anyone would buy a dog, a pet that they have the intention of loving and caring for (or maybe not in some cases), without first doing the research to understand the care that said dog needs, or without bothering to think about what the dog will suffer through.

I guess for some people, though, fashion is more important than giving their dog a healthy life. I just would hope that people would put a bit more thought into such a big decision.