Newsflash: Keeping things inside and pretending things aren't pretty much shit doesn't work for the vast majority of people.

I left a relationship in 2008 because I was being lied to, ignored, used, and generally treated like shit.

A gaggle of months later, I started pathetically hoping for an imaginary relationship with someone I felt really close to to someday be real.

And then I made the mistake of taking the chance of opening myself up to another human being. Since, I've kind of come to the conclusion that pretty much any time you do this, no matter how much you tell yourself that "this time will be different because he/she is a good person and blah blah blah," you are basically begging for someone to absolutely fucking destroy you.

But I really thought that this time wouldn't be a total disaster and that there might actually be another person in the world who wants to love and be loved instead of use and be loved. And that's why I'm whining into a Blogger box instead of talking to my best friend, who is too embarrassed to admit that he supposedly loves me for even one second of his life, so can't be there for me when everything is going to hell. Never mind that I've dedicated about 3 years of my life to trying to make him happy, that I've supported him in any endeavor he's ever considered, and that I've done nothing but give him loyalty and affection, meanwhile enduring passive aggressive, insulting comments for months from someone who didn't/doesn't even know me while he stood by, not saying a word. It, of course, was never enough.

Maybe I've just somehow become a total asshole in the past handful of years, but I don't see how you're supposed to not feel jaded about love and friendship and caring and affection when every time you try to give it, you get criticism and isolation in return.

A coworker, and someone who I really had a lot in common with, who I trusted and adored and looked at as a dear friend who I hoped to grow closer with over the years to come, killed himself this weekend. He was cultured, had a loving family, a loving boyfriend, and a beautiful home with an amazing garden. He had a job and coworkers who enjoyed his company. He lied to his parents about being in college and killed himself on the day of his supposed graduation instead of coming clean. My opinion of the coworker/friend that I knew hasn't changed but it's hard not to have a lot of mixed feelings about his final decision.

Knowing that he left behind a sister has really been the icing on the emotional wreck of a cake. This is the situation I've been in for the past 8 years of my life - the sister of a deceased brother. While my situation is not exactly the same as hers, I feel a lot of sympathy and understand that, unless she has far better friends than I've ever had, it's a really lonely path she has ahead. People tend to judge you a lot for the things that your family members do. And she'll never have a way to redeem the years ahead of her that could've been filled with sibling arguments, advice-giving, and comforting each other. It's just something that can't be replaced.

Work has very much been a struggle since the incident occurred, and everyone is a little tense. It's difficult to be in an industry (customer service) where essentially there is no "behind closed doors". A tragedy has occurred in our midst and we're all in a position of grieving and attempting to understand (together and individually), while at the same time trying to put on a face of normal, everyday functionality.

This week would've been the week when, personally, I really could've benefitted from having a best friend who could take a little bit of time to at least try to listen and understand what I'm feeling, for myself, for my coworkers, and for the aforementioned sister and family.

So I guess I feel confused that instead of crying and feeling safe and trying to heal, I'm sitting in front of the computer at 2 a.m. typing out a sad story that nobody will probably ever read, childishly venting about a relationship that, for all intents and purposes, isn't even real, and that I'm being made to feel like I'm a needy bitch for asking for somebody who I've given unconditional love to for years to take one day....to change his plans or for once put me first or pretend that I'm not some horrible, embarrassing, untouchable person for a few hours...and just be there. Just once.

But I'm probably just too sensitive and selfish and nobody else in their right mind could ever possibly be hurt by this. I think, however, more than anything, I'm just worn out, sad, frustrated, and sick of being just another "take it or leave it" thing.

She cracks lightning like a viper's tongue...

I've gotten a bunch of postcards over the past few days, both from Postcrossing and Swap-bot stuff. I really am fond of the bunny suicides one (I used to own bunnies, so I love them and don't wish them any harm but these cards make me smile), the one with the fishes, and the lighthouses. The lighthouses ones have some very unique lights. I've never been to any of them, but I think the architecture of them is very cool.







I also got some records in the mail over the past few days. The Grinderman "Worm Tamer" 12" was among them. It's such a beautiful glowing green - I can hardly look away from it.




The other records I got are as follows:

Richard Ashcroft - Check the Meaning (7")

Miracle Legion - Little Drummer Boy (7")

REM - The Finest Worksong (12" single)

The Birthday Party - A Fuckin' Rotten Business This (LP)

I ordered a copy of The Birthday Party's first Peel Sessions volume as well. It arrived, but sustained some damage during shipping - one of the edges (about a 2"x1" section) was basically cracked/shattered. This made me feel very bummed out. It was the first time I'd had anything come through and be completely ruined, and it was something I really, really wanted. It was insured, though, so we'll see how that goes. Here's a picture, where you can kind of see the cracking (and my bummed out face) based on the reflection of the light:

So, anyway. The seller has been really helpful with insurance claim stuff and I found another copy that wasn't *too* terribly priced. So hopefully all will be well soon.

This week has just been fairly unawesome. I've been denied for yet another job which basically requires no skills whatsoever - but they chose to pursue candidates with more experience. That's all very frustrating for me. Definitely the most frustrating thing I've experienced in the past several years.

The apartment maintenance guys were also in again to check out this disgusting phantom smell that has been occurring anywhere that there's water in my home (kitchen, water heater closet, shower). They basically are too lazy to do the work to figure out what it actually is, so they have just told me to pour bleach down my drains....which only keeps the smell at bay for 2 days at a time. Nevermind that I don't like keeping bleach in my house because the smell makes me feel violently ill (and it's hazardous). I told them that was not a solution to the problem and they offered up the brilliant idea that, since the smell I'm describing smells like a lovely combo of cigarette smoke and vomit, maybe my neighbors downstairs are smoking and it's wafting up. I don't think this is the case (at least not the whole problem), but I told them that if they were indeed smoking indoors, it should be dealt with since that's against the rules of the renter's agreement. They told me I'd have to call the property manager. I did. "Oh she's busy, let me have her give you a call back in a little bit." End of the day comes....no call. I called again today. "She's actually out of the office today, but I gave her your message yesterday, and she said she'll call you back tomorrow." I'm glad they understand urgency. I wonder what would happen if I'd postpone paying my rent like that? I'm sure there are people with worse problems in the complex, but I already suffer from headaches and frequent nausea. The smell is really not helping with that. Not to mention that I can't stand being in my kitchen, so I've been eating out and ordering take-out for the past month-ish. Yes, this problem has been going on THAT long.

Grrrrr. So those are just a few of my frustrations. The main ones. I'm hoping that February will be a better month for me. But I'm not going to count on it.

More at a later date.