Now on Tumblr...

I have started a Tumblr "blog" thing. This seems kind of stupid, considering I don't update this blog very often. But, because I have not had much to say lately, I thought that Tumblr would be a good way to easily share photos (which you can't do with Blogger?) of random things throughout my day (mostly taken from my phone, so nothing super fancy) and also share links. I can, of course, write little blogs on there too if I so desire, but I'm thinking that for now, those type of posts will stay here.

I haven't quite decided what I'm going to be doing as far as keeping this blog up and running. I may or may not, at a later date, decide that either I hate Tumblr and want to stay here on Blogger, or perhaps that I love Tumblr and want to move all of my entries on Blogger over there. Maybe someday I will even be a grown-up and make my own blog theme or have my own domain. Who knows.

This is not a farewell, this is just a notice of something new. So, now that all of that's out of the way, you can visit the Tumblr thingy at questce-que-cest.tumblr.com!

I'm still playing around trying to find a theme I like (so far, the current one is the best I have found), so it may change appearance a few times until I get settled in, but there are already some photos over there. Here's what it looks like rightrightnow in my browser!

Click it to make it bigger! And if you're already on Tumblr, you can follow me.

New clothes.

Got my hairs did.

Newsflash: Keeping things inside and pretending things aren't pretty much shit doesn't work for the vast majority of people.

I left a relationship in 2008 because I was being lied to, ignored, used, and generally treated like shit.

A gaggle of months later, I started pathetically hoping for an imaginary relationship with someone I felt really close to to someday be real.

And then I made the mistake of taking the chance of opening myself up to another human being. Since, I've kind of come to the conclusion that pretty much any time you do this, no matter how much you tell yourself that "this time will be different because he/she is a good person and blah blah blah," you are basically begging for someone to absolutely fucking destroy you.

But I really thought that this time wouldn't be a total disaster and that there might actually be another person in the world who wants to love and be loved instead of use and be loved. And that's why I'm whining into a Blogger box instead of talking to my best friend, who is too embarrassed to admit that he supposedly loves me for even one second of his life, so can't be there for me when everything is going to hell. Never mind that I've dedicated about 3 years of my life to trying to make him happy, that I've supported him in any endeavor he's ever considered, and that I've done nothing but give him loyalty and affection, meanwhile enduring passive aggressive, insulting comments for months from someone who didn't/doesn't even know me while he stood by, not saying a word. It, of course, was never enough.

Maybe I've just somehow become a total asshole in the past handful of years, but I don't see how you're supposed to not feel jaded about love and friendship and caring and affection when every time you try to give it, you get criticism and isolation in return.

A coworker, and someone who I really had a lot in common with, who I trusted and adored and looked at as a dear friend who I hoped to grow closer with over the years to come, killed himself this weekend. He was cultured, had a loving family, a loving boyfriend, and a beautiful home with an amazing garden. He had a job and coworkers who enjoyed his company. He lied to his parents about being in college and killed himself on the day of his supposed graduation instead of coming clean. My opinion of the coworker/friend that I knew hasn't changed but it's hard not to have a lot of mixed feelings about his final decision.

Knowing that he left behind a sister has really been the icing on the emotional wreck of a cake. This is the situation I've been in for the past 8 years of my life - the sister of a deceased brother. While my situation is not exactly the same as hers, I feel a lot of sympathy and understand that, unless she has far better friends than I've ever had, it's a really lonely path she has ahead. People tend to judge you a lot for the things that your family members do. And she'll never have a way to redeem the years ahead of her that could've been filled with sibling arguments, advice-giving, and comforting each other. It's just something that can't be replaced.

Work has very much been a struggle since the incident occurred, and everyone is a little tense. It's difficult to be in an industry (customer service) where essentially there is no "behind closed doors". A tragedy has occurred in our midst and we're all in a position of grieving and attempting to understand (together and individually), while at the same time trying to put on a face of normal, everyday functionality.

This week would've been the week when, personally, I really could've benefitted from having a best friend who could take a little bit of time to at least try to listen and understand what I'm feeling, for myself, for my coworkers, and for the aforementioned sister and family.

So I guess I feel confused that instead of crying and feeling safe and trying to heal, I'm sitting in front of the computer at 2 a.m. typing out a sad story that nobody will probably ever read, childishly venting about a relationship that, for all intents and purposes, isn't even real, and that I'm being made to feel like I'm a needy bitch for asking for somebody who I've given unconditional love to for years to take one day....to change his plans or for once put me first or pretend that I'm not some horrible, embarrassing, untouchable person for a few hours...and just be there. Just once.

But I'm probably just too sensitive and selfish and nobody else in their right mind could ever possibly be hurt by this. I think, however, more than anything, I'm just worn out, sad, frustrated, and sick of being just another "take it or leave it" thing.

Wow.

It's been approximately two months since my last post, so I guess I took that little break I was contemplating. And now, I guess I'm back for awhile! Stuff has obviously occurred since my last post. Some things will get their own individual gabfests, but I figure I can just skim over a few things.

I went to Folly Beach lots and swam near some dolphins.

I went to South of the Border again. Twice.

I saw Modest Mouse here in Charleston.

I saw Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons in Savannah, GA.

I went home to PA to visit my family and clean out my old house a bit. More on this later, but found some fun stuff, including things that were mine when I was a kid (PlayStation, Sega Genesis, some interesting clothing, etc.) and some things in my brother's room (old Macintosh computer & printer, older encyclopedias, skis which won't help me because I don't know how to ski, and a Ouija board oooo).

I didn't go to see Interpol in Charleston this week, because a friend couldn't stick to a commitment.

I visited the neurologist, had an MRI, and got absolutely no answers, AGAIN! Just more drugs. Frustrating.

And I think that brings us up to speed! I have some other stuff to share, of course, but that will come later.

Hi again. I'm back in Charleston as of yesterday, so it seems sort of an appropriate time to give a little update.

I left PA feeling just as weird as when I arrived. It was just an unsettling trip - things are a little (ok a lot) hectic at home, and it was just overwhelming. I didn't absolutely hate it or anything, but it left me wishing I was back in Charleston.

I really didn't get a whole lot further with the doctor situation than I was before either. I have to return home for an MRI in July and am on some new meds, but other than that, nothing much has taken place in that field. I know things don't happen overnight, but it's very frustrating to be constantly playing a waiting and guessing game.

My trip back to Charleston was a good one. It was again split between two days, with a stop in Lynchburg, VA for the night. A friend of mine made a map for me, so I followed his directions the entire way home. It was a fun drive with lots of fun surprises popping up along the way. I had my first ferry experience, got to see a few nerdy Civil War things and took in some nice scenery along the way. I just wish I'd had more time to stop and poke around at places, but I'm sure I'll get the chance again in the future.

Ferry! You just can't see it because I suck at taking pictures. But fun, nonetheless.

The first day was definitely my favorite. While the second was nice, it brought me back into South Carolina, which is pretty much a really boring state, and which I'm not fond of in any respect at this point. Although I left PA excited to return to my apartment, as soon as I crossed the state line into SC, that feeling showed up again - the one that tells me I'm in the wrong place and that I'm making a big mistake. I still tried to enjoy the drive, and did have a little fun.

In North Carolina I saw more turtles than I've ever seen in my life before. Turtles walking into and sleeping in the road because it was warm with the sun beating down. The road is actually a really bad place for turtles. So I moved three of them that were at places where I could easily stop. Unfortunately, I am not a turtle superhero or anything, so many little shelly creatures were left basking in the road. It was kind of sad.

My first little turtle buddy. We bonded. Ignore camera strap (again, awesome picture).

My apartment feels really foreign to me since I've gotten here. It feels like a new place - I'm uncomfortable and don't know what to do with myself so I've been milling around and just cleaning up little things to pass the time. I feel awkward sitting in the living room, awkward sleeping in my bedroom, and even more awkward outside among my neighbors.

When I left for PA, I'd hoped that while I was there I could settle some things, that I would come up with some answers and figure out what I should be doing and where my life is going. I'm in some weird state of limbo and I'm not digging it. But unfortunately, nothing really resolved itself. The first thing that has to snap into place is the medical situation - I need to know what's wrong and what I have to do to fix it before I can make any big decisions, and there are a lot of big decisions to be made.

If anything, more things fell onto my pile of "what the hell is going on" type things while I was home. My mother told me maybe a week before I arrived that she was moving. After she and my father split, she and I stayed in the house I grew up in, which is owned by my father's parents. Due to family drama, she has decided she can no longer be there. I understand this, after all I'm trying to get away too. But walking into the house and seeing all the boxes really cemented the idea that she was moving. It's not like the house will be gone; my grandparents still own it and I think my father will be helping to take care of the little problems it has (old house). But I'm the only resident there now. When I go home, I will be there by myself in a house with 4 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, a "playroom", kitchen, laundry room, dining room, and enclosed porch. I guess under different circumstances, I'd be happy to have a big house to myself, but the house itself and its energy (I'm not a new age hippie freak, but things have energies and "feelings", ok) leave me feeling very unsettled. It's too quiet, hidden back in the woods, and I always feel like I'm being watched. I'm just not sure how it'll be when I'm there alone, but at the same time, I don't want to sacrifice the last connection I have to the home I grew up in.

So that's it for personal news. It's a little boring, but really nothing else is going on in my life at the moment. I hope to get out of town a few times in the next couple of weeks and I've got two concerts coming up in July. But until then, nothing to share!

I am a crazy animal lady.

At least I admit it.  I haven't really done a whole lot in the past two days other than watch movies.  Particularly the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  I know.  I didn't leave home for THIS?  Yeah.  So other than staring at the screen and such, I've been spending some time with the dog and cat.  Not that I ignore them any other time, but sometimes they don't get as much attention as they deserve.  Here!  Look at my babies!  *opens wallet*

The baby, Oliver.  Also known as Ollie.

Lounging....as he often does.

"Mommyyy, what is the flashy thingyyy?"

And then Chrissy pops onto the scene.  She needs attention desperately.

Nibbles.  "Mommm she's biting meeee!"  95% of the time, yes.

Chrissy leaves and Ollie gets curious.  He wants to play the internets too!

"It wasn't pr0nz, I swears!"  (It really isn't.)

So there you have it.  Those are the babies.  I don't love Oliver more, he's just easier to take pictures of.  Chrissy has always hated the camera and will do anything to avoid getting her picture taken.  I think it's because she doesn't want anyone to have hard proof that she's not a Great Dane.  I promise I'll have more interesting stuff (at least in my opinion) sometime soonish.