I miss...

...having a little pile of these laying around.

Newsflash: Keeping things inside and pretending things aren't pretty much shit doesn't work for the vast majority of people.

I left a relationship in 2008 because I was being lied to, ignored, used, and generally treated like shit.

A gaggle of months later, I started pathetically hoping for an imaginary relationship with someone I felt really close to to someday be real.

And then I made the mistake of taking the chance of opening myself up to another human being. Since, I've kind of come to the conclusion that pretty much any time you do this, no matter how much you tell yourself that "this time will be different because he/she is a good person and blah blah blah," you are basically begging for someone to absolutely fucking destroy you.

But I really thought that this time wouldn't be a total disaster and that there might actually be another person in the world who wants to love and be loved instead of use and be loved. And that's why I'm whining into a Blogger box instead of talking to my best friend, who is too embarrassed to admit that he supposedly loves me for even one second of his life, so can't be there for me when everything is going to hell. Never mind that I've dedicated about 3 years of my life to trying to make him happy, that I've supported him in any endeavor he's ever considered, and that I've done nothing but give him loyalty and affection, meanwhile enduring passive aggressive, insulting comments for months from someone who didn't/doesn't even know me while he stood by, not saying a word. It, of course, was never enough.

Maybe I've just somehow become a total asshole in the past handful of years, but I don't see how you're supposed to not feel jaded about love and friendship and caring and affection when every time you try to give it, you get criticism and isolation in return.

A coworker, and someone who I really had a lot in common with, who I trusted and adored and looked at as a dear friend who I hoped to grow closer with over the years to come, killed himself this weekend. He was cultured, had a loving family, a loving boyfriend, and a beautiful home with an amazing garden. He had a job and coworkers who enjoyed his company. He lied to his parents about being in college and killed himself on the day of his supposed graduation instead of coming clean. My opinion of the coworker/friend that I knew hasn't changed but it's hard not to have a lot of mixed feelings about his final decision.

Knowing that he left behind a sister has really been the icing on the emotional wreck of a cake. This is the situation I've been in for the past 8 years of my life - the sister of a deceased brother. While my situation is not exactly the same as hers, I feel a lot of sympathy and understand that, unless she has far better friends than I've ever had, it's a really lonely path she has ahead. People tend to judge you a lot for the things that your family members do. And she'll never have a way to redeem the years ahead of her that could've been filled with sibling arguments, advice-giving, and comforting each other. It's just something that can't be replaced.

Work has very much been a struggle since the incident occurred, and everyone is a little tense. It's difficult to be in an industry (customer service) where essentially there is no "behind closed doors". A tragedy has occurred in our midst and we're all in a position of grieving and attempting to understand (together and individually), while at the same time trying to put on a face of normal, everyday functionality.

This week would've been the week when, personally, I really could've benefitted from having a best friend who could take a little bit of time to at least try to listen and understand what I'm feeling, for myself, for my coworkers, and for the aforementioned sister and family.

So I guess I feel confused that instead of crying and feeling safe and trying to heal, I'm sitting in front of the computer at 2 a.m. typing out a sad story that nobody will probably ever read, childishly venting about a relationship that, for all intents and purposes, isn't even real, and that I'm being made to feel like I'm a needy bitch for asking for somebody who I've given unconditional love to for years to take one day....to change his plans or for once put me first or pretend that I'm not some horrible, embarrassing, untouchable person for a few hours...and just be there. Just once.

But I'm probably just too sensitive and selfish and nobody else in their right mind could ever possibly be hurt by this. I think, however, more than anything, I'm just worn out, sad, frustrated, and sick of being just another "take it or leave it" thing.

The World is a Sick, Sick Place.

The other day I happened to be reading the Facebook news feed, as I sometimes do when I'm trying to kill time. Up near the top, I saw a link posted that really upset me from first glance, but I thought I'd give it a chance to not be something terribly heinous. So I clicked. And I was met with the (partial) screen you see below. You can click to make it bigger.

This site is http://www.cuteteacuppuppies.com/ which is a ridiculous URL to begin with. Also ridiculous is:

a) selling dogs over the internet.

b) calling puppies a luxury item.

c) having a "BEWARE of SCAM!!" post on your site. Which you can't read unless you've logged in. So this scam must not be too important. Maybe the note actually reveals what I'm about to tell you.

But first....

Why am I upset by this, you ask? Somebody was just contemplating buying a darling little puppy. This is true. But....please, if you haven't, do click to make it bigger. Look at these dogs. Do they look normal to you? Have you ever seen a dog (outside of Paris Hilton's handbag) that looked like that? My problems with this are numerous.

First off, the term "teacup" is ridiculous. It doesn't exist. Talk to someone at the AKC or the AKA if you don't believe me. They will gladly tell you that each breed has a weight standard. What is called "teacup" does not fall within breed standard and, therefore, is not a "purebred" dog. Now, don't get me wrong...mutts deserve love too! But...

If you go to a pound and adopt a mutt, you aren't paying $3000-5000. For these tiny little dogs, which are specifically bred to be this tiny, you will pay that much. Most people in this situation assume they are just getting a really cute, tiny, purebred dog that they can dress up and carry around.

I am not criticizing small dogs. I have one. She is a registered Yorkshire Terrier, and I love her very much. I have no idea what I'd do without her. She, however, is a healthy, full-grown, 7-pound dog.

So, what's the harm? Somebody just prefers to be shallow and have a tiny little dog they can treat like a doll. Hell, that's not even my main problem. Yes, I find it wrong...but, not the main issue.

The main issue is that these "teacup" dogs are NOT healthy. You may, as a fluke, receive a dog that will live a normal life. But that is not the typical case. Small dogs that are bred normally, from average-sized adult dogs, still are far more susceptible to health problems than large dogs. Many struggle with hypoglycemia, many suffer collapsed tracheas and have to undergo extensive surgery to repair the issues, and, as they get older, many small dogs suffer hip problems from jumping and climbing stairs. With a "teacup" dog, you can add to this list of problems potential liver or kidney failure (if these organs fully develop at all) and musculoskeletal problems which may begin as soon as the dog is able to stand on its own. Of course, bad things can happy to any dog or human. But the rates are much higher in these pocket pooches than in other dogs. If you want to read more about these problems, there are some basic points stated here.

Some dogs are naturally born very tiny. The breeder from whom I bought my yorkie had a small little boy pup named Joshua that weighed only 2 pounds. But, the difference is that she wasn't trying to rip people off with him. She loved her dogs and understood the inherent health problems that could occur with Joshua. Dogs born too small or unhealthy, she kept in her home and raised herself. My mom also has a very small yorkie (that started at 4 pounds) - but that dog was the victim of an abusive home where she was underfed.

So I guess my point is that I find it very sick that anyone would buy a dog, a pet that they have the intention of loving and caring for (or maybe not in some cases), without first doing the research to understand the care that said dog needs, or without bothering to think about what the dog will suffer through.

I guess for some people, though, fashion is more important than giving their dog a healthy life. I just would hope that people would put a bit more thought into such a big decision.

She cracks lightning like a viper's tongue...

I've gotten a bunch of postcards over the past few days, both from Postcrossing and Swap-bot stuff. I really am fond of the bunny suicides one (I used to own bunnies, so I love them and don't wish them any harm but these cards make me smile), the one with the fishes, and the lighthouses. The lighthouses ones have some very unique lights. I've never been to any of them, but I think the architecture of them is very cool.







I also got some records in the mail over the past few days. The Grinderman "Worm Tamer" 12" was among them. It's such a beautiful glowing green - I can hardly look away from it.




The other records I got are as follows:

Richard Ashcroft - Check the Meaning (7")

Miracle Legion - Little Drummer Boy (7")

REM - The Finest Worksong (12" single)

The Birthday Party - A Fuckin' Rotten Business This (LP)

I ordered a copy of The Birthday Party's first Peel Sessions volume as well. It arrived, but sustained some damage during shipping - one of the edges (about a 2"x1" section) was basically cracked/shattered. This made me feel very bummed out. It was the first time I'd had anything come through and be completely ruined, and it was something I really, really wanted. It was insured, though, so we'll see how that goes. Here's a picture, where you can kind of see the cracking (and my bummed out face) based on the reflection of the light:

So, anyway. The seller has been really helpful with insurance claim stuff and I found another copy that wasn't *too* terribly priced. So hopefully all will be well soon.

This week has just been fairly unawesome. I've been denied for yet another job which basically requires no skills whatsoever - but they chose to pursue candidates with more experience. That's all very frustrating for me. Definitely the most frustrating thing I've experienced in the past several years.

The apartment maintenance guys were also in again to check out this disgusting phantom smell that has been occurring anywhere that there's water in my home (kitchen, water heater closet, shower). They basically are too lazy to do the work to figure out what it actually is, so they have just told me to pour bleach down my drains....which only keeps the smell at bay for 2 days at a time. Nevermind that I don't like keeping bleach in my house because the smell makes me feel violently ill (and it's hazardous). I told them that was not a solution to the problem and they offered up the brilliant idea that, since the smell I'm describing smells like a lovely combo of cigarette smoke and vomit, maybe my neighbors downstairs are smoking and it's wafting up. I don't think this is the case (at least not the whole problem), but I told them that if they were indeed smoking indoors, it should be dealt with since that's against the rules of the renter's agreement. They told me I'd have to call the property manager. I did. "Oh she's busy, let me have her give you a call back in a little bit." End of the day comes....no call. I called again today. "She's actually out of the office today, but I gave her your message yesterday, and she said she'll call you back tomorrow." I'm glad they understand urgency. I wonder what would happen if I'd postpone paying my rent like that? I'm sure there are people with worse problems in the complex, but I already suffer from headaches and frequent nausea. The smell is really not helping with that. Not to mention that I can't stand being in my kitchen, so I've been eating out and ordering take-out for the past month-ish. Yes, this problem has been going on THAT long.

Grrrrr. So those are just a few of my frustrations. The main ones. I'm hoping that February will be a better month for me. But I'm not going to count on it.

More at a later date.

Top Secret

So after I wrote that thing about sharing my mail, the mail flow for the week kind of slowed down. But here's what I've gotten in the past three days.

I was going to go to San Jose on my All You Can Jet trip, because I've always wanted to visit the Winchester Mystery House. But there were no direct flights, so I had changed my plan to take the train down from San Francisco for one day and then go straight back. Then it turned out I had a really good time in SF, so I never made it to San Jose. Next time!

Fun little card. Endicott is up near Binghampton, a little over the PA border near I-81. I've never been to that area of New York, but I'm sure it's nice.

I love this card from Brisbane. The colors are so bright! I'd love to visit Australia someday, and this card makes me want to go even more. Also, check out the cute stamp that was on the back of it.

My chinese zodiac sign is rabbit, so I've really enjoyed seeing all the cute Year of the Rabbit stamps and postcards for 2011. This stamp is by far the cutest one I've seen, though.

I also got a little something in the mail from a close friend. My little package had a mix CD and some fun extras (note the Trogdor button - so glad the package wasn't burninated by the time it got here).

Said friend has been making mixes every month of the year for the past year or so, and each year ends with a spectacular Christmas mix. So, if you want to, and I promise you want to, you can check out all of the mixes (and download them) here. They're really diverse and there's something there for everyone.

I also got a little package from Fancy Flours. It's super top secret and I can't tell you what it is at this juncture, but it will make another appearance in the future. Guesses are allowed, but you'll have to wait to see the contents until another day. I like their wrapping, though - super cute tissue paper.


That's all the mail I have to share. I also received my Iron & Wine ticket in the mail yesterday, so that was exciting.

I don't really have anything else to share either. Things have been boring and I've been strangely exhausted, so other than running errands and doing housework, I've not done much. More to come in the near future, surely.

I can't f*ck you.

I've sort of made the executive decision that I'm going to be sharing the postcards I receive on a regular basis. That doesn't mean my blog will become strictly about the mail I receive. I like to do many things in my life and I love sharing them. So I'll continue to share my baking, dumb stories, and concert photos as well. I just really love getting postcards and I get really excited about all the cool images because I'm a dork. So, anyway, we'll see how it goes and it might take me a little while to get into a perfect rhythm of how to do this, but I hope a few people at least will enjoy it. So bear with me! And here's my mail from today!

Tofu Makes Me So So Happy

I decided to start doing swaps via swap-bot.com again. Mostly postcard swaps, but maybe some other things once I get back into the swing of things again. Anyway, I got some fun postcards in the mail today, so I thought I would share.

Also, in other news, I bought a ticket to go see Iron & Wine in Savannah on April 23. That's my first set plan for 2011. So hopefully, it'll be a good time.

Nothing else new today. More at a later date.

2011....hmm...

I wish I had some interesting stories to tell or fun news to share. So far, 2011 has been completely uneventful.

I went to Columbia for a day last weekend to do some record shopping and hang out with a friend I hadn't seen since 2006. I met him maybe a week or two before I left Newberry College, so we didn't have much hangout time while I was there. Anyway, it was a nice little trip away from Charleston and, of course, I had a good time.

Other than that, most of my time has been spent hanging around the house and doing job applications. Despite the job applications, I'm still unemployed. It's a very frustrating situation to be in. Hopefully that'll all change very soon.

I don't have any firm upcoming plans this year either. No concerts in the future, no trips to speak of. I'm afraid this is just a boring little update. Should anything awesome arise, I'm sure I will have tons to say about it.

My baby calls me the Loch Ness Monster - two great big humps and then I'm gone...

It's now been well over a month since I drove up from Orlando (after my Universal vacation) to Atlanta to see Grinderman at the Variety Playhouse. The holidays and my own procrastination got in the way of me doing much blogging. It was an amazing experience, though, so I do want to tell you all about it!

The second I found out they were coming, I made arrangements to buy tickets. I woke up the second they went on sale and bought them. And after that, the event sort of got pushed to the back of my mind. But, as it drew closer, I did get really excited.

Grinderman is the new(ish) project of Nick Cave, of Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds fame. This band departs quite a bit from the style of the Bad Seeds, and it honestly took a bit to grow on me. I'm probably not the target demographic for Grinderman's music. But after several listenings, I learned to love it and now I find myself frequently listening to their two albums while I'm in the car.

I wouldn't say that Nick Cave is my idol or that I have a celebrity crush on him or anything weird like that. But, I do admire him. More than any other artist. Ever. I have a huge amount of respect for the man and all the work he does. In addition to being a musician (since 1973), he is a songwriter, an author, a screenwriter, and an actor. He has also done several lectures. The man is not only talented, he is very intelligent and very eloquent. I am just blown away by the work he produces in each field he has attempted. So, having the opportunity to see Nick Cave live in itself was amazing to me.

Grinderman produce a far heavier sound than that of the Bad Seeds, complete with dirty-old-man lyrics, and though I can get why some people say that Grinderman is a throwback to Cave's days with The Birthday Party, the two bands really are apples and oranges. Both are great, but both are separate entities and it was very easy to see that in live performance.

Anyway, the night of the show, I ended up going by myself. I met someone in the front row and chatted to him for much of the show. We both seemed to be in awe that we were actually standing there. Before the show started, security kept telling everyone in the front row to keep the area of the stage in front of the monitors clear (there was no press area between the crowd and stage, because photography was not permitted). However, I wasn't quite prepared for Nick Cave standing directly in front of me, occasionally brushing me/stepping partially on me with his huge shoes, or towering over me with his huge, lanky frame.

From the very beginning, I was impressed. These guys are pretty old - Cave is now 53 and Warren Ellis, his right-hand man, is 45 - and they still put on an amazing show. They had so much energy and were so into every single movement they made, every note they produced. It was one of the most amazing things (not just concerts) I have ever seen.

I wish I had enough words to really do justice to the experience, but I don't. They were playing in (I think) Nashville the following night. And had I not had obligations at home, I definitely would've made the drive. It was that great.

The only photos I've seen from the show were taken by a fan. There was one fan chosen to be the official photographer at each show. Here are a few of them, taken by Jeffrey Shipman. You can see the rest over at grinderman.com under "images".

So, I guess in closing, my recommendation is to check out the albums and to see the band live if at all possible. I think they're done touring in the U.S. for now, but future tours may occur. I know I'm hoping for a new Bad Seeds album and tour - it would be nice to see both sides.

That's it for 2010. On to 2011! May the beginning of this new year suck significantly less than the first half of 2010.